Taking A Break

A asked me if I will be taking a break during the festive season? And my immediate answer was "Ya, I will be going for the operation in mid-Dec..."

And A laughed out loud...

I thought back on my answer subsequently... and realised how ridiculous my answer was. How can going for an operation be equated to a break from work??? I guess I had been psyching myself for the operation... and persuaded myself it will be a period of rest for myself... because other than being physically unable to work, I could not extricate myself from work and feel justified to "just rest".

Am I a workaholic? Definitely not. I would rather play all day...

But the commitments and obligations that come with the work had consumed me so much, that I had not been able to find a single good reason to step back. And I am not happy about the dilemma I am in. Still searching for the right answer...

One Quarter of the Year is Gone!!!

I know I should switch off my computer, and go get ready to leave for work... but I am still here because I have so much stuffs to catch up (on this blog), so much stuffs to say today... because today is the 31st of March... that means the last day of the 1st quarter of the year!!! Where did time go???

OK, every time I ask myself that question, I never get the perfect answer... so I turned to stuffs like my Photo-A-Day calendar, my 5-year diary and even this blog (that is, if I have been updating bits and pieces here and there, but it has been blank for the last quarter lah : P)...

And the first response will always be... alamak! what did I do for the last 3 months??? I know I was busy, but I did not seem to get "anywhere"... nothing happening has happened leh... I wasted my time doing and doing, but for what???

I am learning to look at life from a different angle, with a different sets of glasses... life has been happening, and I am getting "somewhere"... I just need to appreciate whatever situation I landed myself in... and count my blessings for all the good stuffs that I have... and I will be able to fulfil this simple yet complex statement:

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and
find that I have just lived the length of it;
I want to have lived the width of it as well."
{ diane ackerman }

Why Am I Letting Myself...

... getting all affected by that??? We have been through this many times... and I know deep in my heart why I make time to scrap... and why it is very important that I do so... and I have resolved to "do my thing" and be proud of it.

And yet I get all affected by those comments... and the comments were not even targeted at me!!! I felt guilty that I have spent precious time scrapping instead of doing work (even though I had scrapped outside of my working hours)... I have a serious problem!!!

I would create something... enjoyed myself thoroughly... and yet be "ashamed" to show it to anyone... for fear that people will think that I am "very free ah"... I have a serious problem!!!

I am going to wear my "Miss Contrary" t-shirt today.

i am decided.

I am SweeChing.
I am woman.
I am brilliant.
I am in.

It all started with an exercise to create a list of "I Am" statements. Requirement is to state everything in the positive and optimistic. The statements serves as an affirmation of who I am, who I want to be, and who I will be.

First line I wrote was: I am woman. I am invincible. I am tired... this has been my "tagline" for the longest time... then I had to cross out the word "tired" because it is a negative... it was automatically replaced with "energetic" (opposite mah).

I am woman. I am invincible. I am energetic. Hmmm...

For the next few weeks, I recited that to myself frequently... but something is still not quite right leh... my heart and my body couldn't gel with that statement (I still feel tired all the time : P)... and even the word "invincible" started to irritate me...

And then the lightbulb lit up, and the words "brilliant" and "in" popped up... out of the blue! Hee! I got the inspiration for word "in" from Patti Digh's book (see http://37days.typepad.com). She suggested that we should live with
- Intensity: Say Yes
- Inclusion: Be Generous
- Integrity: Speak Up
- Intimacy: Love More
- Intuition: Trust Yourself
- Intention: Slow Down

The more I thought of it, the more I like it!

So... this is it!

I am woman. I am brilliant. I am in. : )

(I wonder if I am the only nutcase who spend time pondering over such stuffs???)

I have Been Searching For Answers...

What is my purpose on this earth?

Please Dont Get Me Anything When You Go Overseas

Whenever friends or family go overseas (be it a business trip or a vacation), they would ask me if I want anything? My standard reply is: Thanks for the thought, but please dont get me anything. Just enjoy yourself on the trip and take lots of pictures to show me.

The reason is: I HATE shopping for other people when I am overseas (be it a business trip or a vacation). Yes, the word is HATE. On an overseas trip, I have enough stuffs on hand to worry about (whether I can find my direction; whether I bring enough clothes; whether I can get food that will suit my palette, etc.). I really dont need to worry about someone else's shopping list!!! So I do not ask my friends and family to shop for me when they go overseas.

Two scenarios:

(a) People help people to buy specific items from the country they are visiting (because the items are not available in Singapore; because the items cost less from the other country).

This one drives me up the wall. Especially when the requests come from friends or colleagues... people who are not as important to me as my loved ones : ( I do not think it makes sense for me to spend my precious time hunting down items for other people, when I can be enjoying myself touring around or spending time with my family.

If I happen to come across the item while I am touring around or spending time with my family, then I dont mind just picking up the item. But when people give me a list (or even just one item request), the obligation is there and it makes me feel bad if I dont accomplish the mission, so I would make that part of my itinerary... and I would hate myself for acceding to that request in the first place : S

(b) People buy souvenirs from the country they are visiting to give to family, friends, colleagues, who did not go on the trip with them.

This one drives me up the wall and down the other side!!! I dont understand the rationale behind this exercise at all. So you didnt go on that trip with me, and you were working your butts off while I was on holiday... So I HAVE TO buy some presents back for you??? To share a piece of what you could not get??? To thank you for working while I was relaxing??? Call me "socially ill-mannered" or "selfish", but I do not think it makes sense to have to "justify" my well-deserved break from work, and "compensate" other people who did not go on that trip with me : S

Besides, if you have not visited that country with me, what good does a keychain or a photoframe or a mug bearing the name of that country provide you??? There is no meaningful connection, except as a sore reminder that I went away for a holiday while you were stuck here???

Besides, I also HATE the awkwardness and embarassment of missing out on gifts for a few persons... so I have to make sure I have something for everyone... I'd spent the whole trip taking stock of whether I have picked up a gift for my father, my mother, my brother, my sisters, my husband, my sons, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my nephews, my niece, my good friends, my good friends' children, etc etc... what's the big deal???

Having said that, I would still shop around for gifts when I am overseas. If I come across something that I think so-and-so will adore, I will pick it up and just give it to her when I return... just because! Or I will save the gift for her for Christmas!

So please dont be upset if I didnt get a gift for you when I return from overseas. (Frankly I dont care if you are...)

Deja Vu!!!

This is getting ridiculous!!!

Two years in a row, I forgot to make my birthday wish!!!

What Can I Give...

... to her? That's the question which keep popping out over time, whenever I spent time with this friend. She is the type of friend whom you think has EVERYTHING, and you wonder what to give her for her birthday or Christmas.

This special friend of mine has so generously share this wonderful friendship with me, and showered me with so much love... that I keep asking myself what can I give to her? You know how in certain relationships, one party will give more than the other, and all is fine if the giver and receiver are happy with the arrangement. In my case, I sometimes think that she gives me soooo much more (and I truly enjoy that) that in comparison, what I can give to her is sooooo little, and I feel terrible about it.

Sometimes, I think it's my inferior complex at work... I keep thinking that I am not good enough to rub shoulders with her. And mind you, it's all coming from within myself. She has never ever and will never ever do anything nor say anything to make me feel that I am not good enough to be her friend. I know she will tell me that my friendship is all that she asks for...

Am I overthinking this issue???

Christmas Shopping

Note To Self: must start Christmas Shopping soon.

Every year around this time, I start to panick... I start to think about the gifts for my loved ones and my friends, and "people-I-must-buy-gifts-for-but-I-have-no-idea-what-to-get-for-them"... I start to wonder whether I should buy all the gifts or handmade some of the gifts... I start to question myself whether I should get someting for so-and-so...

Starting a couple of years back, I have actually started shopping throughout the year. But I often lost track of what I have picked up along the way, and sometimes, I realised I bought 2 or more items for the same person (either I really love that person very much, or that person is not shy to let me know what she likes, or that person does not have very expensive taste : P). This is the time to take stock before I cheong to the store and start shopping.

I love and hate Christmas shopping.

Do you know that I love shopping??? There's an inherent shopaholic in me (though she has been suppressed and tamed over the recent years because of tight financial budgets and busy schedules)... I love to buy things... useful things, useless things... Unfortunately I am no good with sales... I hate squeezing with crowds... and Christmas shopping can be extremely stressful - I dont know what to buy! I cant find anything suitable! I dont have that kind of budget, though I know so-and-so will really like this! This one is better that the one that i got for so-and-so last week... should I replace it? Then what do I do with the one I got earlier on? Maybe I can give that to another so-and-so instead? Maybe I can keep for so-and-so's birthday next year? Maybe I keep for myself lah!

Some years I was 'crazy' enough to think that I was going to make handmade gifts for everyone... like knitting scarves or socks, creating mini albums, altered art projects, sewing a pouch, etc.... what was I thinking of??? Of course, these never materialized... I give up. 'Nuff said.

What Kind Of Life Do I Want?

Life seemed to have whirled past me in recent times... I have been caught on the 'superhighway' of things, and didn't find the windows to make posts here.

But one thought that keeps going around my head is this: What kind of life do I want?

This came about since my Bali trip (early Sep 2009), I think. I made the following conclusions within the hour that I touched down on that island: One must travel out of one's familiar environment to be made aware of how big the world is, and the many choices available in life. I remember when we were in Tokyo (Aug 2008), I concluded that life can be better, standards of living can be higher. However, when we were in Bali, I saw the other side of the spectrum (not the extreme opposite but the contrast was obvious, and realized that life can be simpler, and we should be contented with the comfortable lifestyle that we have now.

I have no answer for now... sometimes, when I desire nice outfits or crave for that dining experience in a posh restaurant, I think of Tokyo... sometimes, when I am more down-to-earth, I'd think of Bali and tell myself to forgo that pair of shoes or take the MRT... : S

Mama Is A Christmas Tree

I cannot remember when it all started. But I have a habit of carrying big bags... and many bags. I have no qualms of slinging bags on both shoulders, and hanging more bags on both arms... maybe it was the habit of my days as a studious student, lugging all my textbooks to school... maybe it was the habit of my days as a serious shopaholic???

Well, this habit of mine has led my boys to call me a Christmas Tree, where they can hang their bags and jackets and even toys on me!

I wish someone will hand jewellery and gems on me instead!

No Record...

I knew this is going to happen...

I knew there will come a time when I will get swarmed by many other stuffs in my life, and I will not come here to make any post. Sorry. It has happened.

But I know I am NOT missing out on the documentation of my life. I am still scribbling in my 5-year diary and I am still taking pictures for my A-Photo-A-Day calendar. This blog was never meant to cover all aspects of my record.

I guess I am still cynical about keeping records in the virtual world... call me backwards or whatever, I am still very much the touch-and-feel, brick-and-mortar person at heart. I have this phobia that someday, the virtual world will disappear and my records here will be gone!

I Am No Good With Goodbyes

Someone is leaving today. And I am thinking of staying at home so that I do not have to say good-bye to the person. Not that I don't like the person. In fact, I am sad that the person has to go.

I am just no good with goodbyes. Either way: someone leaving or myself leaving. Usually people will go around the office on their last day to bid farewell to everyone. In my previous jobs, I never said goodbye to the departing colleague (unless he/she came over) nor made my round when I was departing. I just sat at my desk the whole day as if it was any other normal day; then stepped out of the office quietly when it's time to go. I reckon on my first day of work, I came quietly... so on my last day of work, I shall leave quietly. Life goes on for everyone...

I can't bear the goodbyes. I can't explain why. So I act like it's no big deal (even though it hurts a little inside).

I Am Swee Ching

I could have been a Connie.

When I was born, my parents debated whether to give me an English name. My mother thought of the name Connie. My father objected to the whole idea of an English name, because we are Chinese. Being conservative, he even argued that only bargirls (in the exact term he used) have English names. So my mother didn't insist. (Heng ah! I really cannot picture myself as a Connie : P)

As I was growing up, I disliked my dialect name Swee Ching. I was much more used to my Chinese name (pronounced as Ruijing), and I cringed every time someone called me by my dialect name. I then dreamt of having an English name. I thought I could be a Dorothy, a Adeline, or a Caryn.

Then I was a Jeryn.

When I was 17, I decided that I will be Jeryn. I plucked that name from the air, thinking that it sounds cheerful and happy and fun, and the spelling is unique. My JC friends, to Uni friends, to URA colleagues all know me as Jeryn.

But I am really Swee Ching.

After I left URA, I joined a private company and had the opportunity to fly to China, as the company has offices in Beijing and Shanghai. When I set foot in Beijing, something happened. I was totally awed and humbled by the Chinese culture and history. I realized that I am a descendent of the Chinese people, and I should be proud of my Chinese heritage and identity. I decided that I should embrace my given name, chosen by my parents, which is a true reflection of my Chinese roots. So I am Swee Ching. Was, is and will be. Always and forever.

Oh! And please! It's Ng Swee Ching, not Swee Ching Ng. Because I am a Chinese.

I Am Afraid I Do Not Deserve It

I must be mad.

People have dreams. People desire a good life. People want to achieve. Me too. And yet I hesitate to have dreams, to have a good life, to achieve.

Whenever I realized my dreams, whenever I live a good life, whenever I achieve... I do not believe that it is true! I am afraid that I do not deserve such good stuffs... they are too good for me, too good to be true...

I must be mad.

The Biological Clock is Ticking...

not on the childbearing functions (that is another topic all together)... but on THE FACE!

I decided that it is time I make some effort to care for my face. The biological clock is ticking... I am beginning to see more lines and patches on my face... and I am getting worried, I admit it.

So I signed up for a facial package at the beauty salon and I happily brought home tubs and tubes and bottles of creams and whatnots, pledging to dlligently apply these special ingredients, and wait patiently for them to work their magic...

And I realized THE FACE is a separate territory from THE EYES and THE NECK, and their respective treatments are separate packages... since they are all essential parts of THE LOOK, cannot just do the face and not the eyes or the neck, so my beauty package has to be expanded (translate: more expensive) to cover all grounds!!!

Seriously, I wonder if anybody can tell if my pigmentation patches or my dark eye rings have lightened, or my skin is softer now????

My Right Eye Has Been Twitching ...

... for the past one week. The scientific side of me tells me that my eyes are tired and need rest. The superstitious side of me tells me that something bad may happen.

Yesterday evening, while HS was driving us to Woodlands, amidst heavy traffic, the car in front of us braked suddenly... HS managed to brake just in time... but before I could finished saying "heng ah ba bu liam keng"... another vehicle rammed into our car from behind!!!

Our first car accident. We are alright... no one is hurt.

But I know HS's heart is 'bleeding'... his first car...

So I thought the car accident accounted for the frequent twitching of the right eye... but it started again today... are there some more bad things going to happen??? or are my eyes really tired???

I am on Facebook, but please don't find me

Since I opened a Facebook account, I have received numerous requests to be my friends. Most of them, I accept... because they are my friends. Some of them, I accept... because I don't mind having them in the loop. And then there were some of them, I didnt click ACCEPT nor IGNORE... because I really have no idea who they are and I cant be bothered to find out.

A friend told me I can click ACCEPT first (make the person happy), then DELETE the person the next day, and he/she won't realize that he/she is out of the loop (and the person will still be happy - ignorance is bliss mah). But I cannot bring myself to do it... I see no point in pretending to accept the person as a friend, and then eliminating him/her behind his/her back.

Today, I received a request for which i really feel like clicking IGNORE. This person was a big part of my life long ago... but he's out long ago... and i do not wish to have anything to do with him anymore long ago... unfortunately he found me on Facebook. And I cannot decide which button to click.

I should have anticipated this possible scenario... afterall, I choose to be on Facebook. Well, I am on Facebook, but I wish that some people will not be able to find me!!! I'm full of contradictions, I know... ...

I Forgot To Make My Birthday Wish

I cannot believe this! I forgot to make my birthday wish! Got to wait for one more year... gua-gua-gua!!!

35

The clock struck 12... and I am officially 35!

I am supposed to reflect on my life at this juncture. I am supposed to give thanks for all the blessings in my life. I am supposed to think about what I want to achieve in the next 5 years. But my mind has so much stuffs on it that everything is everywhere... I cant focus...

Maybe being 35 is like that? Maybe being 35 means I have to juggle a lot of stuffs up in the air? Maybe being 35 means I am in a constant flux of changes and will never be able to feel settled? Maybe being 35 means I still wont have the answers to all the 'difficult' questions that's been bugging me?

Not really excited that I am 35... why like that?